So, I started a new LJ- one of those wanting to start everything over moments.  I'm going to keep this around to keep the entries, but I won't post in this anymore.  My new account is underscored42. 

 I opened the fire door to four lips, none of which were mine-
-kissing-
Tightened my belt around my hips where your hands were missing.
And I'm singing now because my tear ducts are too tired.
And my mind is disconnected,
                    but my heart is wired.
I make a good statistic, someone should study me now.
(Somebody's got to be interested
                   in how I feel just 'cause I'm here
                              and I'm real)
Oh, how I miss
Substituting the conclusion to confrontation
with a kiss,
and oh, how I miss
Walking up to the edge and jumping in
like I could feel the future on your skin.

I opened the fire door to four lips, none of which were mine-
-kissing-

(-Ani, fire door)

 I guess that it's been about time for me to really have my heart broken for the first time.  It happens to most people a lot earlier than this, and right now I can't really say whether that makes me lucky or not.
I am now moved back home.  Tab and I..  it all started with finding an apartment, and me objecting to all three of us living in her sister's one bedroom.  I guess it had been coming for a while now, though- me hating being in Florida and being out of school and her feeling smothered and annoyed because she was my life down there.  Me not getting her the way she got me.  Her snapping and my oversensitivity.  My lack of common sense and her overly logical straight to the point thought processes.  
Doesn't mean I didn't, and don't, love her.  Doesn't mean I wanted, or want, it to be over.  To be a couple thousand miles away from her with no idea when the next time I'll get to see her is.  Tab has been my partner, friend, lover, and companion for the past year and three months and I have no idea how to cope without her.  I'm trying to keep busy, but every time I pause everything rushes in and.. man, I've never felt like shit this badly before.
And I hate being this emotional and pathetic.  I hate not being able to just be pragmatic and deal with what I need to do to get into school and move and everything without falling apart.  
And I hate that I was sitting there in the living room crying the night before I left and when she walked in to turn off the light all she did was shake her head and go to bed.  I hate that when I kissed her goodbye all she said was that they needed to go.
God, I'm a classic Hitch example. 

I'm coming home.  I guess this has been a while coming, but... I'll see you all on Tuesday. 

On another note, I read Self Made Man by Norah Vincent yesterday.  It's definitely one I recommend if you haven't read it yet- a different perspective. 

Mmm.  I knew this displacement was coming.  This sense at doing exactly the wrong thing at this point in my life and trying to reconcile it.  Of being irresponsible and trying to grow up and in the process feeling like I'm not doing anything right.  Of getting in fights with Tab because she's already passed this stage and is trying to help, but it coming off as telling me I have no work ethic or respect for my employers.  Taking a sick day yesterday when I wasn't sick because it had been 17 days without a day off and every time I got to work I wanted to just walk out and go home and sleep.  Knowing I'm whining and unreasonable and spoiled yet feeling that I do have some justification for the way I'm acting.  Feeling constantly, constantly inadequate and that inspiring a I-don't-give-a-damn-then attitude which I don't show at work but comes out at home.
Jesus. 

Mmmmm.  I started working at a resort down here this week and I've remembered that horrible sinking feeling I get in my gut when dealing with large corporate businnesses and places where money buys the motto that you can't say no to the customers.  My manager's generally nice, but completely inept- threw me out my second day by myself with barely any training and lied about it to another manager in front of me to save his ass.  I'm just glad that this is kind of temporary and next year I can go back to studying and thinking and reading and just doing school- it's funny, you go to class for so many years and then you get a job and they tell you to just smile and accomodate and you feel like you're losing those critical thinking skills people like Mr. Gardner tried to crunch into you for so long.  Maybe it's just the service industry. 

Tab and I are in an odd spot right now.  It's where you know the honeymoon's over and we're pushing through those not-talking frustrated days where we don't feel connected.  And things are good, but I get insecure and emotional and she ends up being the bad guy and.... eh, I'm figuring things out about myself and we have really good days too.

So, things went up for a while.  We had a really great night the other night- and Tab started talking about what had been wrong for the past two weeks, which we needed- but suddenly I felt attacked and she felt misunderstood and I walked out at five o'clock in the morning with no shoes on and I think for the first time I got how much of a process this is- how having that connection with someone and loving them that much is great, but when things go wrong they know you so well that you get hammered in your weak points.  Not necessarily because they want to hurt you, but because you're both so frustrated.  Things are going better now though.  Things always are after we have it out- and I love her and we're working on this- my communication skills and hers and understanding. 

So here we are, sitting and walking and driving and not talking- and this has been going for, what? almost a week and I'm trying to count the days and see if the bad outnumber the good and every time she starts talking to me like normal or smiles, it's worth it, but then I ask a question and she responds like I'm an idiot and it's all in the trash again.  And I'm not talking because it's not worth it if I'm made to feel like I'm spineless or stupid every time I do, but there you have it. 

Starting to second guess myself.  Starting to second guess dropping out of school and coming here if we can't communicate- but that's normal, right?  Period of adjustment to moving in with somebody- things change when you're not just dating anymore and when you see them all the time.  Doesn't mean I like it or feel like it's ok that she snaps and I feel bad and spend more time analyzing and worrying instead of enjoying it.  And I could just be down and frustrated and hormonal and everything's fine, but I guess that doesn't change how I feel now and the fact that I can't stop thinking that any other possible outcome than this working out and being great will make this to have been a big mistake on my part.